sstaircasewit

yesterday 155
today 155

Two days ago i did a cleanse "the master cleanse" I was supposed to do it for ten days, maybe more. I really wanted to but cyrus convinced me out of it. When i go to san francisco I will do it again, i am excited. I might try it for longer. I definitly want to get some more diet pills becuase i dont have nearly any more left and now i know how to come off of a fast, so i know how to come off of taking diet pills for awhile. Should work out.
I want to get my bi planes soon, i should go and get some tracing paper so i can get them drawn up. I also wannaget a brazilian bikini wax. I think its about time, Maybe i should get it in san francisco rather than here so cyrus can fully enjoy the pleasures of it. I think thats what i am going to do, well maybe ill get one here and get my second one in san francisco so it will be less pain the second time around.
So on my list to by:
bi planes
diet pills
and a brazillian.

IM GOING TO FUCKING DIE IN THIS HOUSE
a curfew
im not allowed to sleep in?

when the fuck are they going to realize i am 19 almost 20 and ive lived away from them for a year already and just becuase im spending a couple months at home doesnt mean they are the all powerfull assholes.

what do i do?
forget about it?
i mean, he said girlfriends are lame,
not katie was lame, not some girlfriends. but girlfriends.
right after i had heard him saying other things and told him we were over.

i dont know, i dont know.
i dont feel like i can forgive him right now NOR do i feel like i can belive him on alot of things. so i guess im shit outta luck ay?

I guess cory is moving to the bay area soon. he just told me. thats cool id like to hang out with him but ill be living with cyrus next year so we will see how things go.

I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO.
cyrus is going to break up with me. isnt he? I dont know what to do. I try to be nice but i dont get it back. I HATE MYSELF FOR GOING TO SAN FRANCISCo. when i did he changed. He started to loose interest and have an attitude. I want him to love me. I cant make him though and im scared.
Im scared he stopped loving me a long time ago.

i am so miserable. why am i such a miserable person? I should just die already.

Sometimes i have to remind myself why i kept this journal private. I am not willing to put my self out into the public again. With the anonomous comment left on my previous journal i just cant deal with it.

Its strange to be viewed by most people as a strong person when I am really just a pitiful weak shit. But from now on i will make my strong self seem even more than it already does.

Ive been hurt too many times and i can count the people i trust on one hand.

Im not ready to be betrayed AGAIN, and I need to get over it. But i need people willing to help me!

I dont think cyrus loves me anymore. and at this point i wish i could just disappear. I never want to die. But one thing i do wish is to just go to sleep for a long long time. Dreams are so much easyer than real life. Im so sick of this feeling and it not leaving me. I hate being angry, i hate being sad. Im fucking miserable.
I love cyrus, but i need something back. Why cant he realize that its time to step it up and obviously its hurting me but he needs to start being nicer and show more love.
Sometiems i worry that he found somebody new to focus his loving energy on, i got stuck with the butt end. Im the person he gets to critasize and speak meanly to. His jokes like calling me "woman" are getting old and sometimes i feel like he means them. When he tells me to get food or something.
I hate feeling this way, but the more i think about it the more i think about how i could never live without cyrus and i want to marry him and be in love with him forever. But the longer were together it is becoming apparent that it will only be myself that will be in love and it will be him that looses interest. I will forever be miserable and unhappy unless he realizes and i dont feel like he will.
I probably should stop writing becuase my eyes are starting to well up and i am starting to feel extremly depressed. I dont want to be sad any longer and i tried to be happy- I even was, but after i got off the phone with cyrus it seems like the past month that ive been trying to get back into high spirits has gone to waste. Im back where i was.

i wont add anybody on this livejournal so dont bother trying.